Tonight, at a spiritual parenting class (no - we're not pregnant - we're just preparing) hosted by my wonderful friend Bahiyyih Baker, we went through a guided meditation. For those of you who've not experienced such a thing, the format is thus: all members relax and close their eyes. Someone with a soothing voice (in this case, Bahiyyih) then verbally guides the group through a mental journey. In this instance, we were reflecting on our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of our [future] children. We were told to think loving things to ourselves, like living with happiness and ease, and living without suffering.
In the second part of the meditation, we were then told to think of our children and tell them the same things: live with ease, be happy, live without suffering. At about this point, I started to cry. Not a heavy snotty cry, but just a teary one - thinking of my future babies - and realising that I am scared about a lot of things in reagrds to babies and children. Namely, that I won't be able to have any.
We closed the meditation with thie quote from the Baha'i Writings, the Words of Baha'u'llah:
"O SON OF MAN!
Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty."
I thought on the beauty of these Words, and of the idea that in a sense, we have this sort of relationship with our children - they are created with love, and we love them and protect them because of this. Of course, on a lesser scale than God.
Anyhow, I excused myself and went to go and cry it out. I needed to experience the feeling, as Jessica's reflections on Erica Toussant's (is there an "i" in there somewhere) workshop on joy and happiness have inspred me to do. I realised that although I've been feeling pretty confident about my reproductive capabilities, there is a deeply rooted fear that I won't be able to create children with my husband. That's a scary thought.
I know that whatever the case, things will work out, but I think I am coming to realise the importance of experiencing emotions as they come. Thank you, Ms. Gaines!