20 February 2004

weepy like a storm that rumbles its way through and then dissipates

Tonight, at a spiritual parenting class (no - we're not pregnant - we're just preparing) hosted by my wonderful friend Bahiyyih Baker, we went through a guided meditation. For those of you who've not experienced such a thing, the format is thus: all members relax and close their eyes. Someone with a soothing voice (in this case, Bahiyyih) then verbally guides the group through a mental journey. In this instance, we were reflecting on our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of our [future] children. We were told to think loving things to ourselves, like living with happiness and ease, and living without suffering.

In the second part of the meditation, we were then told to think of our children and tell them the same things: live with ease, be happy, live without suffering. At about this point, I started to cry. Not a heavy snotty cry, but just a teary one - thinking of my future babies - and realising that I am scared about a lot of things in reagrds to babies and children. Namely, that I won't be able to have any.

We closed the meditation with thie quote from the Baha'i Writings, the Words of Baha'u'llah:

Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty."

I thought on the beauty of these Words, and of the idea that in a sense, we have this sort of relationship with our children - they are created with love, and we love them and protect them because of this. Of course, on a lesser scale than God.

Anyhow, I excused myself and went to go and cry it out. I needed to experience the feeling, as Jessica's reflections on Erica Toussant's (is there an "i" in there somewhere) workshop on joy and happiness have inspred me to do. I realised that although I've been feeling pretty confident about my reproductive capabilities, there is a deeply rooted fear that I won't be able to create children with my husband. That's a scary thought.

I know that whatever the case, things will work out, but I think I am coming to realise the importance of experiencing emotions as they come. Thank you, Ms. Gaines!


lizington said...

P.S. Later in the session, we each shared a time where someone had encouraged us. After a bit, I recalled a time last weekend when I called Bahiyyih and she asked me if I needed anything. I said no, but then later called her again to ask to borrow a particular book that she had mentioned to me earlier.

And the next day, knowing I was taking it easy since I had orders from the doctor, she brought me some yummy goulash that she had made. I feel encouraged. Thank you so much, Bahiyyih! I love you!

Bahiyyih said...

Yeah Liz! You are the essence of encouragement. I love all the sharing you've done in your writing here and hear your revelations, it's fun to hear what's happening in your classes and your everyday life in such an efficient way, even though I still want more time with you in person. I hope we get to play a little during Ayyam-i-Ha!

About the reproductive fear, I remember having that same fear. I was quite certain that I would never be able to have babies, but not for any REASON at all except I hear so often about people having problems with conception. So then I was proven completely wrong by our two first-try successes and I wondered why I was so sure that there would be a problem. I think it was more emotional- like it couldn't possibly be EASY to get something that I wanted so badly and had wanted for SO LONG. Because surely it would be a tortuous and long process- like school or difficult emotional work. But no.

And I'm glad you said here what made you cry- I was worried about you and wanted to check on you about that. And I'm glad you liked the meditation- I've had some really neat experiences with that lately. When we got to the part last night about 'may you (your child) be happy' the strength of that concept was really overpowering to me, it even got through the emotional wall I had up from being nervous about leading the meditation and everything.

Jessica said...

Yay for feeling emotions!! I'm so glad that you're allowing yourself to heal Lizzard. I swear we go through A LOT of the same stuff at the same time. I feel like we have this interesting cosmic connection. I've been going through some heavy emotions lately as well. I been experiencing all these feelings that I bottled up for years (from the age of about 15 thru, well basically now).
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I look up to a lot Liz - A LOT. You inspire me, encourage me, and are an amzing example of courage. I love you.