04 February 2004


Part of me is feeling inspired to write.  Another part is feeling rebellious, since there are so many of these going around that I feel almost too conform-y when I write on it.  Is this a bad excuse for interpersonal relationships?

But then again, no.  Simply an enhancer - it keeps you close even over distances.  And if you're already close geographically, it enhances your understanding of one another.  Right?

Anyhow, I am struggling with jealousy.  And ego.  Together at last.  I wish I could be rid of them at last!  When confronted with certain stimuli, there is some little programme in me that turns me into a competitive and jealous beast.  Sometimes it's a person's words or deeds, and sometimes it's the mere mention of a person that sets my blood cold in my feet and hot in my face.

It's really a horrid feeling.  I don't know if there is something to be said for just feeling it (because half of the time, I am berating myself for feeling it in the first place) or trying to let it go.

And it's not something to discuss, especially since I feel as though most of it is in my head.  I wish sometimes that I could dump everything out, clean it off, and then out everything back in - like in Le fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain.


Bahiyyih said...

I'm so glad you did write, doubts aside. I've been watching this site and hoping you would, and waiting, because I know you are an amazing person and I want to know you better, and this is such a helpful way to get toward that goal. I love you! I love you!

P.S. Billy would be happy to customize your weblog's appearance for you with colors, links, taking out or adding features, etc. Please come over soon and play with us.

Liza said...

Yeah, jeolousy is a demon! It's so miserable, isn't it? You have all these intense feelings of unfounded, bizarre dislike towards someone just because he/she is so great or you want something that he/she has and you think that you don't have it. What I find most interesting is that I am never jeolous of men, only fellow women. And I'm envious of people's relationships. I know it all goes back to the ego and not feeling so hot about oneself --so then I feel like such a weak person to even be having such feelings. Self-hatred right back at me. And the cycle continues. So I guess my question is: how do you learn to really love yourself?

lizington said...

Yeah - jealousy is so obnoxious because you can't seem to pinpoint WHY you feel so irrationally yucky!! The other night at Martha and Katie's women's group, Martha was reading something about unconditional love, and how when you experience it (i.e. someone loves you unconditionally), it brings up all the bad things in you, as though you would say to that person - "I can prove to you why you shouldn't love me!!"

I find with myself I do this - I am very very critical of my own shortcomings, and often catch myself in a form of self-flagellation, "I'm so bad," or "I'm such a horrible person." But of course I'm NOT a bad person - sometimes my ACTIONS are questionable, but I am not inherently bad - sort of like that praise thing that we were talking about. If you praise children by tellignn them that they are smart when they finish a task early, they take that to mean that when they aren't fast, then they arent' smart - it's a simple equation:

fast=smart like slow=stupid

And if you continue this line of thought, then you learn that YOU are either good or bad, not your work. So in the same way, when we do something bad, like feel jeaousy, then we think WE must be bad, rather than our feeling.

So how DO you love yourself?

lizington said...

P.S. Liza - I love you!

Jessica said...

Wow. I like this discussion. Yeah Liz for having to courage to bring it up!

Gramma said...

Dearest Liz Q.,

I have just finished reading your stream of consciousness writing and, of course, enjoyed it. You and I, to the consternation of some, are prone to question and analyze our behavior and character and that is good; however, I think you are little too hard on yourself when you recognize some of your flaws. God knows, we all have flaws, even Gramma. Ha!

You have many more wonderful things about you than you have flaws. You are kind, gentle, loving, organized (which I love), intelligent, and beautiful. You never need to feel insecure. You are a valuable human being who is precious to us all. Cheer up, kid. We love you and are proud of you and forgive you any flaws. Forgive yourself and love what God has created in you, beautiful Elizabeth Gordon Davis!!!!!!!!

Love always, Gramma