Today while shopping for Ayyam-i-Ha gifts, I ran across one of those pillows filled with lavendar and other scented herby things that you can warm up and put on varioud body areas to relieve things. It was shaped like a heart and velvety. Mmm...
This morning I went to the doctor and I was sort of excited but also a little nervous. Nathan came along to support me, but of course he couldn't come into the examination room.
I thought that the doctor might be a woman, since the nurse who took care of me was, and I imagined she was also my doctor, but then when he came in, I forgot that doctors don't do that blood pressure stuff...
Anyhow, the examination was okay, and I didn't feel uncokfortable or anything, but afterwards, I felt like a cow, or some other sort of livestock. Not that I was white and spotty, but I felt like the doctor had no concern for me as human, but just wanted to finish his job and be done with it.
I suppose I expected a different atmosphere - one where I felt heard. I wanted to ask questions, but I didn't feel comfortable to do that.
Anyhow, I was able to sit with these feelings today and sort them out, in a nice relaxed manner. It was nice. And now I am able to articulate them to you!
Oh, by the way, my examination was normal, and I will be going in to get another ultrasound in about a month, so I can check on my ovaries and see if they're normaler. :)
25 February 2004
23 February 2004
Mr. Rogers
Today, Bahiyyih wrote about Mr. Rogers. And that got me thinking about Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood, and how I loved it! And then I figured out a cool thing! Want to hear? Read on!
I love trains. I love the idea of them - they are fun and rolley and they have tracks so they don't crash. Well, not often. And I want to go on a train for Spring Break. Not just a Metra or subway train, but a full-fledged train with a dining car and a sleeper car and all the bells and whistles that go along with it!
And I realised that part of this love of trains comes from Mr. Rogers. Do you remember how Trolley (with his fun theme song) would take us to the Neighbourhood of Make-believe? Well, that was about my favourite part in the whole show. I didn't like it when we got to the Neighbourhood of Make-believe any other way. I didn't like the little models that Mr. Rogers would take out of the cupboard in the kitchen, or once when we went out to the sandbox - I didn't like that, either. I liked Trolley. Trolley and the tunnel. Maybe that's why I like tunnels, too...
So - hooray for trains! They make February funner!
I love trains. I love the idea of them - they are fun and rolley and they have tracks so they don't crash. Well, not often. And I want to go on a train for Spring Break. Not just a Metra or subway train, but a full-fledged train with a dining car and a sleeper car and all the bells and whistles that go along with it!
And I realised that part of this love of trains comes from Mr. Rogers. Do you remember how Trolley (with his fun theme song) would take us to the Neighbourhood of Make-believe? Well, that was about my favourite part in the whole show. I didn't like it when we got to the Neighbourhood of Make-believe any other way. I didn't like the little models that Mr. Rogers would take out of the cupboard in the kitchen, or once when we went out to the sandbox - I didn't like that, either. I liked Trolley. Trolley and the tunnel. Maybe that's why I like tunnels, too...
So - hooray for trains! They make February funner!
21 February 2004
paint on me fingers
I have paint on me fingers. Luckily, none on the floor, because oil paints are hard to get off. So this morning I painted my first oil painting ever. Inspired by Nancy Wong's venture into oil paints, and a desire to create something, I donned one of Nathan's old shirts as a smock, and got to work.
I am still trying to figure out how to show it online, so that you can see it.
It was a really wonderful experience - I was able to create in an environment where I felt safe and spiritual, and I knew that whatever it looked like when it was finished, I would like it.
And I do!
I am still trying to figure out how to show it online, so that you can see it.
It was a really wonderful experience - I was able to create in an environment where I felt safe and spiritual, and I knew that whatever it looked like when it was finished, I would like it.
And I do!
20 February 2004
weepy like a storm that rumbles its way through and then dissipates
Tonight, at a spiritual parenting class (no - we're not pregnant - we're just preparing) hosted by my wonderful friend Bahiyyih Baker, we went through a guided meditation. For those of you who've not experienced such a thing, the format is thus: all members relax and close their eyes. Someone with a soothing voice (in this case, Bahiyyih) then verbally guides the group through a mental journey. In this instance, we were reflecting on our spiritual nature and the spiritual nature of our [future] children. We were told to think loving things to ourselves, like living with happiness and ease, and living without suffering.
In the second part of the meditation, we were then told to think of our children and tell them the same things: live with ease, be happy, live without suffering. At about this point, I started to cry. Not a heavy snotty cry, but just a teary one - thinking of my future babies - and realising that I am scared about a lot of things in reagrds to babies and children. Namely, that I won't be able to have any.
We closed the meditation with thie quote from the Baha'i Writings, the Words of Baha'u'llah:
"O SON OF MAN!
Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty."
I thought on the beauty of these Words, and of the idea that in a sense, we have this sort of relationship with our children - they are created with love, and we love them and protect them because of this. Of course, on a lesser scale than God.
Anyhow, I excused myself and went to go and cry it out. I needed to experience the feeling, as Jessica's reflections on Erica Toussant's (is there an "i" in there somewhere) workshop on joy and happiness have inspred me to do. I realised that although I've been feeling pretty confident about my reproductive capabilities, there is a deeply rooted fear that I won't be able to create children with my husband. That's a scary thought.
I know that whatever the case, things will work out, but I think I am coming to realise the importance of experiencing emotions as they come. Thank you, Ms. Gaines!
In the second part of the meditation, we were then told to think of our children and tell them the same things: live with ease, be happy, live without suffering. At about this point, I started to cry. Not a heavy snotty cry, but just a teary one - thinking of my future babies - and realising that I am scared about a lot of things in reagrds to babies and children. Namely, that I won't be able to have any.
We closed the meditation with thie quote from the Baha'i Writings, the Words of Baha'u'llah:
"O SON OF MAN!
Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty."
I thought on the beauty of these Words, and of the idea that in a sense, we have this sort of relationship with our children - they are created with love, and we love them and protect them because of this. Of course, on a lesser scale than God.
Anyhow, I excused myself and went to go and cry it out. I needed to experience the feeling, as Jessica's reflections on Erica Toussant's (is there an "i" in there somewhere) workshop on joy and happiness have inspred me to do. I realised that although I've been feeling pretty confident about my reproductive capabilities, there is a deeply rooted fear that I won't be able to create children with my husband. That's a scary thought.
I know that whatever the case, things will work out, but I think I am coming to realise the importance of experiencing emotions as they come. Thank you, Ms. Gaines!
Sacrifice
I am eating a salad. As I sit here and ponder the magnitude of the sacrifice that the plants gave so that I could eat them, I am reminded of a greater sacrifice, one of which I was only just recently made aware.
A few weeks back, I went to a programme at the Spurlock Museum (the University's cultural history museum) which was entitled, "Winter: a Time of Storytelling; Native American Women throughout history" or something like that. One of the speakers was a very dynamic lady from California, who had written a book on Pocahontas, based on her cultural understanding and historical perspective. Her story was very interesting, but the most important thing that she said completely changed my frame of view of the "conquest" of the Americas by Europeans.
She said that some of the Native peoples who were here at the time of the immigration of Europeans knew what was going to happen - the mass persecution and annihilation of thousands of people - and that these who understood it, saw it as a sacrifice. A sacrifice so that these poor masses from Europe, who suffered from spiritual maladies as well as social and political ones, would finally be able to be cleansed. The sacrifice of the entire New World was given for the benefit of the human race.
This blew me away. I had never before thought of this. I recall my past view of the matter having some concept of what the Native peopels "did" to "deserve" this fate. However, as I just recently learned from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha (see my past entry on "Honey"), we don't suffer because we "deserve" to, but because the physical world brings pain. We choose to experience suffering by ignoring our connection to the spiritual world. The sacrifice that these people, for whom I now have a deeper respect, made is immense.
Thank you.
A few weeks back, I went to a programme at the Spurlock Museum (the University's cultural history museum) which was entitled, "Winter: a Time of Storytelling; Native American Women throughout history" or something like that. One of the speakers was a very dynamic lady from California, who had written a book on Pocahontas, based on her cultural understanding and historical perspective. Her story was very interesting, but the most important thing that she said completely changed my frame of view of the "conquest" of the Americas by Europeans.
She said that some of the Native peoples who were here at the time of the immigration of Europeans knew what was going to happen - the mass persecution and annihilation of thousands of people - and that these who understood it, saw it as a sacrifice. A sacrifice so that these poor masses from Europe, who suffered from spiritual maladies as well as social and political ones, would finally be able to be cleansed. The sacrifice of the entire New World was given for the benefit of the human race.
This blew me away. I had never before thought of this. I recall my past view of the matter having some concept of what the Native peopels "did" to "deserve" this fate. However, as I just recently learned from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha (see my past entry on "Honey"), we don't suffer because we "deserve" to, but because the physical world brings pain. We choose to experience suffering by ignoring our connection to the spiritual world. The sacrifice that these people, for whom I now have a deeper respect, made is immense.
Thank you.
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